Jokes

A man was driving down a road.
A woman was driving up the same road.
As they both passed each other, the woman shouted at the man, "Pig!"
The man shouted back, "Bitch!"
As the man rounded a bend, he crashed into a giant pig and died.

A man met God in his prayers and asked, "God, can I ask you a question?"
"No problem, go ahead," God replied.
"Is it true that a million years mean a second to you?"
"Yes, that is true."
"Then what does a million dollars mean to you?" the man asked.
"A penny," God replied.
"Then, can I please have a penny?"
"Sure, just give me a second."

Three engineering students were discussing about what type of engineer God was.
The first student said, "God must be a Mechanical engineer because of all these joints in our bodies."
The second countered, "Nah, I think He's an Electrical engineer because our nervous system has thousands of circuits."
The last one finally replied, "You both got it wrong, He's a Civil engineer - who else would build a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A snail was robbed by two turtles. When the police asked how it all happened, the snail replied, "It all happened too fast."

A man worked very hard all his life to become a millionaire. He wanted to bring his hard-earned riches with him when he died so he prayed asking God to grant his request. God granted it but said that he was only allowed to bring one bag with him. After hearing this, the man took his largest bag and filled it with gold bars. When the man finally died and went to heaven, he met St. Peter who told him that he wasn't allowed to bring any luggage with him. The man told St. Peter about his deal with God so St. Peter went to seek God to verify his statement. St. Peter soon returned and said to the man, "Alright, you can bring in the bag but I need to check the contents first." The man agreed. Upon opening the bag and seeing the contents St. Peter asked confusedly, "You brought pavement?"